I guess with all this cold weather everyone is thinking about holidays and when to go. My goodness I can't believe we are almost half way through February it seems like only yesterday that it was Christmas.
So sun or snow which do you all prefer. The snow is nice for a few days, great to have snow ball fights nice to feel the fresh coolness against your skin,great to look at but after that I've had enough for me I love the sun on my face, the feel of the heat seeping through to my bones. The beach beckons and I love it. Waking up and pulling the curtains to sunshine is the best feeling in the world.
It seams like the winter has dragged on , I seem to be forever cold. The gusting winds on this small island have always been rough but just lately they seem to be worse. We had three small earth tremors last week and that is always scary.
Don't you think the weather is weird all around the world? When we were children I remember my mum putting our summer clothes away for winter and bringing out our thick sweaters and woolly socks, now it seems we more or less wear the same clothes all year round. However the one thing that hasn't changed is when the first snowdrop pops up from the ground I know spring in round the corner and that makes me breath deep and think yes at last.
The winter has been a busy time for me, with four books coming out this year I have been ensconced into my writing cave with what seems forever. These books have been so much part of my life that I feel sad as each one ends, almost book three finished and book four ready to be typed up . I am ahead of schedule which for me is important, I like to keep my deadline in focus and it stresses me if I don't and when I'm stressed everyone avoids me because I just grunt like a bear at any direct questions, I cook whatever I can find and hope that I haven't mixed the main meal with the pudding, and thank god for the dishwasher.
A writers mind is a crazy disposition!
As a writer I find that I work better with a dead line whether it be self imposed or from my publisher. I'm very good at sticking to my guns and plodding on until its all done and finished but I have to admit the most favourate part of the process is not the drafting out but the editing...Oh my God I love the editing for me this is where my story takes shape and becomes the book that I want to send to my publisher.
Usually for me I am a planner and I know right at the beginning where my story is going and how it will end, but something strange has been happening to me with my last two books. I have started writing and all of a sudden the characters have completely taken over and its not me that's doing the writing its them telling my fingers what to type and they are inside my head even through the night I am compelled to get up and write because they are pushing ahead with there story and I don't want to miss out by not getting it down on paper. Does that sound weird? Honestly I'm not crazy...well only a little!
You have to be a little crazy to be an author, the hours are rubbish, the extreme isolation is beyond anything I have ever experienced before and there absolutely is no time off, I am constantly thinking about my latest manuscript whether it be when I am cooking, perhaps cleaning and even in the very rare occasion that I do iron . I can be having a conversation with friends or family and all of a sudden something comes to me and I drift off into the world I am creating on paper until I unceremoniously get poked in the arm to be reminded I'm supposed to be part of the conversation that is going on.
The winter is for me a great time to write and if we get snow like we have had I find it so much easier to stay cooped up in my writing hole or aperture because it is more like a small passage way, a gap under the stairs where every time my twenty year old son goes running up to his room its like a heard of elephants are stampeding in my head.
So the nights are getting lighter and the days longer it has been a very long winter and I am looking forward to spring. The newly born lambs, the sprouting bluebells, the splash of golden yellow from the daffodils of yes at last spring is on the horizon.
Usually for me I am a planner and I know right at the beginning where my story is going and how it will end, but something strange has been happening to me with my last two books. I have started writing and all of a sudden the characters have completely taken over and its not me that's doing the writing its them telling my fingers what to type and they are inside my head even through the night I am compelled to get up and write because they are pushing ahead with there story and I don't want to miss out by not getting it down on paper. Does that sound weird? Honestly I'm not crazy...well only a little!
You have to be a little crazy to be an author, the hours are rubbish, the extreme isolation is beyond anything I have ever experienced before and there absolutely is no time off, I am constantly thinking about my latest manuscript whether it be when I am cooking, perhaps cleaning and even in the very rare occasion that I do iron . I can be having a conversation with friends or family and all of a sudden something comes to me and I drift off into the world I am creating on paper until I unceremoniously get poked in the arm to be reminded I'm supposed to be part of the conversation that is going on.
The winter is for me a great time to write and if we get snow like we have had I find it so much easier to stay cooped up in my writing hole or aperture because it is more like a small passage way, a gap under the stairs where every time my twenty year old son goes running up to his room its like a heard of elephants are stampeding in my head.
So the nights are getting lighter and the days longer it has been a very long winter and I am looking forward to spring. The newly born lambs, the sprouting bluebells, the splash of golden yellow from the daffodils of yes at last spring is on the horizon.
Disaster Morning!
As an author I am constantly aware of the trepidation I feel when I am writing, the work I do is precious to me and it takes a lot of acting like a recluse for days on end, burning meals that my family eat and don't say a word in case I jump down there throats and generally becoming some kind of neurotic person that no one recognizes for me to complete a book. So you would think that I would be diligent in saving my work which I am...I thought!
Save,save,save is always on my mind.
How ever very often I am so engrossed in what I am doing I frequently don't save as I should. I have the hard drive, usb pen, drop box and folders on my desk top so there is no excuse other than I am one of these writers who get totally engrossed in what they do and my mind is in what I am writing and nothing else penetrates that thick scull of mine.
Press save after a morning of great writing and managing to get nearly four thousand words done and I sigh with pleasure knowing that I have achieved a great start to my next book. When all of a sudden all those words that were in front of me are gone and I have a blank screen ..argggg I press buttons that I have no idea what they do and I can't believe my eyes they literally disappeared in front of my eyes.
I shout my son to get here quick and he looks at it and shakes his head and says, "Did you only save it on the usb pen?" and I nod my head affirmatively and he shakes his head with despair and my heart sinks to my feet. I didn't save it on my hard drive that he bought, I didn't save it in my drop box that my daughter showed me how to use and I didn't save it in the new folder on my drop box.
Lesson to myself never be so complacent with something that is precious to you, not just with work but in life in general because oh boy when it bites your ass t takes a might chunk from it.
Save,save,save is always on my mind.
How ever very often I am so engrossed in what I am doing I frequently don't save as I should. I have the hard drive, usb pen, drop box and folders on my desk top so there is no excuse other than I am one of these writers who get totally engrossed in what they do and my mind is in what I am writing and nothing else penetrates that thick scull of mine.
Press save after a morning of great writing and managing to get nearly four thousand words done and I sigh with pleasure knowing that I have achieved a great start to my next book. When all of a sudden all those words that were in front of me are gone and I have a blank screen ..argggg I press buttons that I have no idea what they do and I can't believe my eyes they literally disappeared in front of my eyes.
I shout my son to get here quick and he looks at it and shakes his head and says, "Did you only save it on the usb pen?" and I nod my head affirmatively and he shakes his head with despair and my heart sinks to my feet. I didn't save it on my hard drive that he bought, I didn't save it in my drop box that my daughter showed me how to use and I didn't save it in the new folder on my drop box.
Lesson to myself never be so complacent with something that is precious to you, not just with work but in life in general because oh boy when it bites your ass t takes a might chunk from it.
Its Christmas...and thank goodness the world didn't end!
Well the world didn't end on this cold, damp 21st day of December.
Lets face it did we really think it would? Maybe...just a tiny smidgen of doubt had settled its self into the smallest deepest corner of my mind. I am elated however that I am still here especially after the fortune I've spent on Christmas presents. Every year I say I'm going to cut back and buy less, after all my children are adults now however I am blessed with three beautiful nieces and two gorgeous nephews who are still young enough to appreciate Santa Claus so buying them gifts is a pleasure.
But do we ever grow up? I have always loved this time of year its a magical merry-go-round that I enjoy so much. Everyone seems to be happy, full of joy and Christmas spirit. For twenty three years I have been hanging stockings up at our coal fire place for my two children and even into adult hood I have carried on this tradition in fact I think my daughter would never speak to me again if I didn't comply with this.
I still enjoy watching the joy on Emma and Chris's faces when they unwrap their presents on Christmas morning.
Today was a day for last minute shopping although I have to say I am remarkably organised this year which is a miracle in the making because I am usually that mad person who is rushing around like a lunatic on Christmas Eve.Although... I have to confess I still haven't iced my Christmas cake which will be done before the day arrives...I hope!
A visit to the hairdressers was on the cards today and it was a much needed appointment because I kinda looked like a cross between a dried up old haystack and a poodle brushed and poofed to perfection. I have the thickest hair ever and it was in desperate need of a haircut and once again I have to give praise to my hairdresser whom I have been going to for at least twenty years, she plowed her way through and now it looks somewhere near okay...I think!
Going to have my nails done tomorrow with my daughter and we are having Shellac done so at least it won't chip or fade for at least the Christmas period. I quite fancy having red with snow flakes just to get into the festive season.
Where has 2012 gone, I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks it has flown by, it hardly seems like twelve months have passed since it was last Christmas, personally I think the world has sped up on its axis and that's why it seems like time is flying, except I know I am just getting older and time is flying by quicker than I want it to.
Lets face it did we really think it would? Maybe...just a tiny smidgen of doubt had settled its self into the smallest deepest corner of my mind. I am elated however that I am still here especially after the fortune I've spent on Christmas presents. Every year I say I'm going to cut back and buy less, after all my children are adults now however I am blessed with three beautiful nieces and two gorgeous nephews who are still young enough to appreciate Santa Claus so buying them gifts is a pleasure.
But do we ever grow up? I have always loved this time of year its a magical merry-go-round that I enjoy so much. Everyone seems to be happy, full of joy and Christmas spirit. For twenty three years I have been hanging stockings up at our coal fire place for my two children and even into adult hood I have carried on this tradition in fact I think my daughter would never speak to me again if I didn't comply with this.
I still enjoy watching the joy on Emma and Chris's faces when they unwrap their presents on Christmas morning.
Today was a day for last minute shopping although I have to say I am remarkably organised this year which is a miracle in the making because I am usually that mad person who is rushing around like a lunatic on Christmas Eve.Although... I have to confess I still haven't iced my Christmas cake which will be done before the day arrives...I hope!
A visit to the hairdressers was on the cards today and it was a much needed appointment because I kinda looked like a cross between a dried up old haystack and a poodle brushed and poofed to perfection. I have the thickest hair ever and it was in desperate need of a haircut and once again I have to give praise to my hairdresser whom I have been going to for at least twenty years, she plowed her way through and now it looks somewhere near okay...I think!
Going to have my nails done tomorrow with my daughter and we are having Shellac done so at least it won't chip or fade for at least the Christmas period. I quite fancy having red with snow flakes just to get into the festive season.
Where has 2012 gone, I'm sure I am not the only one who thinks it has flown by, it hardly seems like twelve months have passed since it was last Christmas, personally I think the world has sped up on its axis and that's why it seems like time is flying, except I know I am just getting older and time is flying by quicker than I want it to.
Reviews!
Hiding behind my fingers I tentatively click on the Amazon
link that leads to my newly published book 'Her Passionate Protector'. I want
to look to see if I have any reviews but I'm a little wary in case no one has
left one...It's such a heart stopping moment. All that hard work, all the
sleepless nights and all you want is to know that someone has bought it and
left a whopping five starts. Dare I...No I can't...Yes I must...Oh
for goodness sake just look.
Moving my fingers
wide enough to peep out of I look with one eye open and a whoosh of breath
exits my lungs and I jump up and down in my chair like some demented
person...Five, five star reviews...Woo hoo! Thank goodness!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B00A6D5O84/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
I thought writing
my book was going to be the toughest job ever and getting a publisher to like
it...well I figured that would be almost impossible, and it was hard but
eventually that dream came true. As far as I was concerned I was home and
dry...
No, no, no, I wasn’t dry at all I was soaking wet and
slipping and sliding everywhere as the
hardest part of it all is the promotions, knowing where to go and how to do it
and out of all the thousands of authors out there getting you're work noticed.
My publisher has
given me some great advice and I am trying to find my way round this part of a writer’s
life. It’s not easy, but I know a lot more than I did two months ago and I hope
I will know a lot more two months further down the line.
Poignant Moment!
I'm sure that I am not the only one who treasures their pets whether it's a dog, cat or budgie. I n my case it's my dog well we have two actually, two Jack Russel's and they are adored. Lucy and Jim had six puppies three years ago and they were adorable it was manic having all these little balls of fluff everywhere. Puddles and little poo piles were frequently cleared up.
You couldn't have two very different personalities. Lucy is quiet but the boss and Jim is noisy and thinks he is the boss but that is an over thought on his part because Lucy very clearly has the authoritative voice between the two...always. In fact she is the diva of the doggy world. But we love them both and they are very much part of out family.
While Jim is very healthy poor Lucy has had a lot of problems, two discs in her back slipped and she was paralised for some time, but with medication and lots of hydrotherapy she can now walk but sometimes with great difficulty. In the last twelve months we have been fighting to save her from going blind, but after our visit to the vets on Thursday she decided to take Lucy of all medication. She is now totally blind in one eye and has only peripheral vision in the other . To begin with she was bumping into everything and we joked that she would have to have a crash helmet but amazingly she is coping very well and as long as we don't move anything she has managed to avoid concussion.
The sad news was that we were told she may have two months or she may live for twelve months and that was a shock to us. We still take her to hydrotherapy because it helps with her back. Sometimes she surprises us and tries to play actually in her younger days she used to play pool with the guys and pushed the balls into the corner holes with her nose.
Lucy& six pups.
Swimming with her life jacket.
Swimming without a jacket.
Jim and Lucy
She is only young at eight years old but Lucy has a personality that is like no other and we love her dearly so as long as she is with us we will continue to care and hope that the dreaded day of her leaving us doesn't come for a long time yet.
You couldn't have two very different personalities. Lucy is quiet but the boss and Jim is noisy and thinks he is the boss but that is an over thought on his part because Lucy very clearly has the authoritative voice between the two...always. In fact she is the diva of the doggy world. But we love them both and they are very much part of out family.
While Jim is very healthy poor Lucy has had a lot of problems, two discs in her back slipped and she was paralised for some time, but with medication and lots of hydrotherapy she can now walk but sometimes with great difficulty. In the last twelve months we have been fighting to save her from going blind, but after our visit to the vets on Thursday she decided to take Lucy of all medication. She is now totally blind in one eye and has only peripheral vision in the other . To begin with she was bumping into everything and we joked that she would have to have a crash helmet but amazingly she is coping very well and as long as we don't move anything she has managed to avoid concussion.
The sad news was that we were told she may have two months or she may live for twelve months and that was a shock to us. We still take her to hydrotherapy because it helps with her back. Sometimes she surprises us and tries to play actually in her younger days she used to play pool with the guys and pushed the balls into the corner holes with her nose.
Lucy& six pups.Swimming with her life jacket.
Swimming without a jacket.
Jim and LucyIts Party Time!
So this weekend was exciting, I had arranged a family party and I took everyone out to our favourite restaurant and there was about seventeen of us. It was such fun. Champagne on ice, great food and the best company. We talked and laughed. The children had fun catching up with each other and it gave my heart a squeeze to realise how lucky I am to have sisters and a mum so close by.
I bought presents for everyone all wrapped in Christmas paper and my little nephew Matt( who is my little buddy whom I adore) helped give these out and it was so good to see everyone's faces when they opened them.
Unbeknown to me I thought it was a party I had organised, but somehow my family managed to turn the tables on me by presenting me with a humongous bouquet of flowers and framed photo's of my first published book and a newspaper article that had been written about me. I was shocked that they had managed to keep it all from me. My two sisters presented me with a gold pen which they said was for all the autographs I will be writing...oh my I just wanted to cry it was so sweet.
It was a fabulous night, one I won't ever forget and it just made me realise how utterly lucky I am to have such a caring family close by.
I bought presents for everyone all wrapped in Christmas paper and my little nephew Matt( who is my little buddy whom I adore) helped give these out and it was so good to see everyone's faces when they opened them.
Unbeknown to me I thought it was a party I had organised, but somehow my family managed to turn the tables on me by presenting me with a humongous bouquet of flowers and framed photo's of my first published book and a newspaper article that had been written about me. I was shocked that they had managed to keep it all from me. My two sisters presented me with a gold pen which they said was for all the autographs I will be writing...oh my I just wanted to cry it was so sweet.
Computer wizardry...No problem!
So wouldn't it be great if once you had written your book and had it published you could sit back and watch it sell.
Oh boy if only it was that easy !
Promote, computerize,chat advertise ... No one said I would have to be qualified to do all these things. Who said that you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks, because this old dog is certainly learning new things every day. Take today for instance I without any help at all from the kid-lets (sit with my head held high) I have manage to make a trailer of my newly published book 'Her Passionate Protector'.
To begin with it was like putting my head beneath the bonnet of my car and groaning at all the things I knew absolutely nothing about, however bit by bit I managed to decipher the worded technology, find pictures that were pertain to my book and source music that would do it justice.
I was so pleased with myself that everyone who came through the door was literally hauled into my office to look at it. Every time I sit down I have to just watch it, only the once just to remind myself of what I have manged to achieve. If I was a Peacock I would be fanning my feathers*giggles* ridiculous at my age.
Although I only ever want to sit in my writing cave and be left alone with my heroes and heroines I know that I will always have to venture out now and then to discover new technology and become a wizard of the techno world and prove to my kid-lets that mum is never to old to learn.
Her Passionate Protector-trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT441o4j41o
Oh boy if only it was that easy !
Promote, computerize,chat advertise ... No one said I would have to be qualified to do all these things. Who said that you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks, because this old dog is certainly learning new things every day. Take today for instance I without any help at all from the kid-lets (sit with my head held high) I have manage to make a trailer of my newly published book 'Her Passionate Protector'.
To begin with it was like putting my head beneath the bonnet of my car and groaning at all the things I knew absolutely nothing about, however bit by bit I managed to decipher the worded technology, find pictures that were pertain to my book and source music that would do it justice.
I was so pleased with myself that everyone who came through the door was literally hauled into my office to look at it. Every time I sit down I have to just watch it, only the once just to remind myself of what I have manged to achieve. If I was a Peacock I would be fanning my feathers*giggles* ridiculous at my age.
Although I only ever want to sit in my writing cave and be left alone with my heroes and heroines I know that I will always have to venture out now and then to discover new technology and become a wizard of the techno world and prove to my kid-lets that mum is never to old to learn.
Her Passionate Protector-trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT441o4j41o
Published!!
November 9th 2012 a date that will sit with ,me for a very long time. I guess a real milestone in my life.
'Her Passionate Protector' is now available at my publisher Secret Cravings Publishing and also from 13th November 2012 it was available on Amazon UK&US also Barnes&Noble as an eBook and will be available in print February 2013.
Its pretty amazing to think that this time last year I was an un-published author with several rejections under my belt and a confidence level that was almost on the floor. Two things happened that helped me change those circumstances.
1/ I became in contact with a fantastic editor who showed me how to write with a view to a publisher actually looking at my MS rather than just throwing it on the slush pile.
2/ And she took no sh*t of me, i:e she made me work my ass off, making sure I knew when she wasn't happy with my work but also praising me when my work was good or improved and I can't tell you how utterly amazing it was to me that someone would take the time to do this. You know who I'm talking about don't you 'Annie Seaton' the best damn editor around.
It's a crazy occupation to have, there are so many good writers out there that you have to give one hundred and ten percent if you don't you just get squashed in the slush pile. Rejection is the worst feeling ever, not just as a writer but in anything you do we all want to feel like we have hit the nail on the head instead of aiming for a thumb.
One thing I want to say is if you are truly committed and want to have your work published...don't ever give up. Sometimes you will feel totally rejected and feel like just chucking it all in the bin DON'T just hang in there because the more you want it the harder you will work and the more determined you will get. And always have faith in what you do because if you don't then no one else will.
My book can be downloaded at the following links...
Amazon us
Amazon ukhttp://www.amazon.com/Her-Passionate-Protector-ebook/dp/B00A6D5O84/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353081346&sr=1-1&keywords=dilys+j+carnie
Nook readers...
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/her-passionate-protector-dilys-j-carnie/1113784207?ean=2940015859072
http://www.bookstrand.com/her-passionate-protector-0
'Her Passionate Protector' is now available at my publisher Secret Cravings Publishing and also from 13th November 2012 it was available on Amazon UK&US also Barnes&Noble as an eBook and will be available in print February 2013.
Its pretty amazing to think that this time last year I was an un-published author with several rejections under my belt and a confidence level that was almost on the floor. Two things happened that helped me change those circumstances.
1/ I became in contact with a fantastic editor who showed me how to write with a view to a publisher actually looking at my MS rather than just throwing it on the slush pile.
2/ And she took no sh*t of me, i:e she made me work my ass off, making sure I knew when she wasn't happy with my work but also praising me when my work was good or improved and I can't tell you how utterly amazing it was to me that someone would take the time to do this. You know who I'm talking about don't you 'Annie Seaton' the best damn editor around.
It's a crazy occupation to have, there are so many good writers out there that you have to give one hundred and ten percent if you don't you just get squashed in the slush pile. Rejection is the worst feeling ever, not just as a writer but in anything you do we all want to feel like we have hit the nail on the head instead of aiming for a thumb.
One thing I want to say is if you are truly committed and want to have your work published...don't ever give up. Sometimes you will feel totally rejected and feel like just chucking it all in the bin DON'T just hang in there because the more you want it the harder you will work and the more determined you will get. And always have faith in what you do because if you don't then no one else will.
My book can be downloaded at the following links...
Amazon us
http://www.amazon.com/Her-Passionate-Protector-ebook/dp/B00A6D5O84/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1353144541&sr=1-1&keywords=dilys+j+carnie
An innocent woman…a
millionaire…two totally different people,
When Lucy meets Alex the owner of a company her cleaning
business has just picked up a contract for, her hard won self-preservation and
quiet life flies out the window. Smoldering heat burns every time Alex comes
near her. He is confused by this independent, yet vulnerable woman and when her
ex-husband returns, determined to hurt her Alex fights for her life and their
love.
Two completely different
worlds and yet when they collide parks ignite.
However the future that Alex foresees for them both has a very bumpy ride in store for them. Independent to the core Lucy's inner fight with her past threatens to destroy any chance of a future. An unexpected flight to New York may change their fate forever but will they survive the turbulent road to happiness?
Nook readers...
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/her-passionate-protector-dilys-j-carnie/1113784207?ean=2940015859072
http://www.bookstrand.com/her-passionate-protector-0
Waiting for that email!
So fellow authors is there anything worse than looking in that email box every five minutes waiting to see if you get offered a contract. Waking every hour of the night just to check because you know they are on a different time zone and your night is there day and you couldn't possibly wait till morning to find out. And you plead for sanity to return , hating the damn email account, and hating the refresh button even more.
I am finding myself in that position again, the waiting game and its one that I hate to play. This time seems so much worse than the first time, I guess now I have had a taste of success I want it to continue. So why would I put myself through this again...because I love what I do. The versatility suits my life style, sometimes I write through the night, or it could be in the back of the car, perhaps the library or it could be on the other side of the world sitting on my friends porch enjoying the North Carolina sunshine...oh yes I love being a writer.
How many jobs could you have where you can say your talents are so wildly focused historian, researcher, psychologist, sex expert, typist, geologist,and the list goes on and on...what a clever lot we are!
I am finding myself in that position again, the waiting game and its one that I hate to play. This time seems so much worse than the first time, I guess now I have had a taste of success I want it to continue. So why would I put myself through this again...because I love what I do. The versatility suits my life style, sometimes I write through the night, or it could be in the back of the car, perhaps the library or it could be on the other side of the world sitting on my friends porch enjoying the North Carolina sunshine...oh yes I love being a writer.
How many jobs could you have where you can say your talents are so wildly focused historian, researcher, psychologist, sex expert, typist, geologist,and the list goes on and on...what a clever lot we are!
Dilys J Carnie Contemporary Romance Author : Destiny and choosing the right path!
Dilys J Carnie Contemporary Romance Author : Destiny and choosing the right path!: Fate? Do you ever think that you're life is determined by which road you take at a certain point in you're life. How many times do you ge...
Destiny and choosing the right path!
Fate?
Do you ever think that you're life is determined by which road you take at a certain point in you're life.
How many times do you get the chance to choose?
Our life's are defined by our choices and what we are willing to accept. I think we all have an equal chance at choosing. Some would say that the past has stopped them from being able to choose, that they haven't been fortuitous enough to decide what is best for them. I think that we all have to take responsibility for our own destinies, at some point we have to decide what is right for us and only we as an individuals can decide..
Life is a continues lesson of learning, loving and humility and those guide lines have stood me well.
Every breath we take is a miracle and I firmly believe that it is a gift of life that should be cherished and nurtured after all we never know what is around the corner.
Life is a struggle there is no denying that,and living with a past that haunts you can be consuming but when you finally are at ease with you're life a calming influence eases over you and at last you can finally breath out and say I struggled with it, I lived it and I survived it .
The reason I am feeling so philosophical is that on October 30th it will be four years since my dad passed away. He had cancer and this is what I wrote a year after he died and it started my writing career again and subsequent publishing contract I signed last June for my book 'Her Passionate Protector' coming out in November 2012.
Do you ever think that you're life is determined by which road you take at a certain point in you're life.
How many times do you get the chance to choose?
Our life's are defined by our choices and what we are willing to accept. I think we all have an equal chance at choosing. Some would say that the past has stopped them from being able to choose, that they haven't been fortuitous enough to decide what is best for them. I think that we all have to take responsibility for our own destinies, at some point we have to decide what is right for us and only we as an individuals can decide..
Life is a continues lesson of learning, loving and humility and those guide lines have stood me well.
Every breath we take is a miracle and I firmly believe that it is a gift of life that should be cherished and nurtured after all we never know what is around the corner.
Life is a struggle there is no denying that,and living with a past that haunts you can be consuming but when you finally are at ease with you're life a calming influence eases over you and at last you can finally breath out and say I struggled with it, I lived it and I survived it .
The reason I am feeling so philosophical is that on October 30th it will be four years since my dad passed away. He had cancer and this is what I wrote a year after he died and it started my writing career again and subsequent publishing contract I signed last June for my book 'Her Passionate Protector' coming out in November 2012.
As I
sat by the bed of a dying man, my mind went back to happier days.
Those days filled with laughter and fun. How could a short time make such a
difference, how could life change so rapidly. It would be a long night, I didn't want
to leave him, didn't want him to die on his own.
Scottish to the core, he had lived on Anglesey for thirty six
years, this was his home, and this Island had
been his way of life. Finally settling in Llangefni an old market town that had
lost its center almost portraying a ghost town. From the days when
it had been bustling with business full of people and shoppers. Now
most of the shops were boarded up.
Looking at the man laying in the bed, a shell of his former
self, it broke my heart as I remembered the fun times we had as well as the
bad. It had always been a tumultuous relationship, full of more downs than ups.
As the wind and rain lashed against the bedroom window,
I watched the large tree sway from side to side, dropping the crumpled autumn leaves to the ground all the life and colour ravaged by the fierceness of the wind a sign of the impending winter, Sighing my gazed returned to the small frail body lying in the large bed.
Eyes closed, mouth thin, suddenly I realized how old he looked. His lips were
dry from the oxygen that he now needed to breathe, his chest was struggling to cope
with the heaviness of his breathing. It was only a matter of time and I knew
that his life was slowly ebbing away, there was nothing I could do to
stop it, even trying to make him comfortable was becoming increasingly
difficult as he became more embedded in his illness.
Is this what life does to you? We are born, we live, and we
die. Is it the bit in-between that counts? It passes so quickly, how can you be
sure that everything you dream about becomes reality? You can't.
I look at the body ,pale against the blue sheets, here is a
person who has organized his own funeral, picked out the clothes that they want
to be buried in ,spoke endlessly about all the things they haven’t been able to
do. Our discussion this morning was about after life. Its strange how knowing
that you are going to die changes the way in which you think, the fear of the
un-known makes you want to believe in something even if you can’t see it. My
dad asked me if I believed in there being something else after death. And I
looked at him and said that I did and to
my astonishment this made an impression on him.He had never even voiced his
thoughts of what he thought was going to happen afterwards and there was
a smile of relief as it finally embedded in his mind that there would be somewhere
else to go when he was finished here ,somewhere he would feel at amity with
himself. No loneliness, just peace.
Picking up his bony hand I looked at body of the man that was now
a ghost of his former self I smoothed my thumb against his paper thin skin, his
eyes flickered and a small smile appeared as he gripped my hand, his blue eyes
pale, his pupils enlarged as he struggled to get his breath. I felt like he
was apologizing for all the fights we had, all the disagreements all
the un-spoken words between us. Encasing his hand in mine, I wrapped my
fingers around his and smiled, leaning my elbows on the bed so that I could get
closer. The verve slowly leaving those once vibrant blue eyes I waited for the
struggling breath noises to stop as I watched the existence that was his life
leave his body .The silence of the room filled me with the deepest agony as I
realised this person who had been part of me for all of my forty seven years
was gone. Tears ran down my face as I grieved for the loss, the emptiness that
surrounded me was excruciatingly painful. Putting his still warm hand to my
face I kissed it for the last time.
Laying the red rose on the coffin he chose himself, I watched
as it disappeared behind the curtain, as I say goodbye to my dad.
He was seventy seven years young and I never remember a time
when he wasn't fit and healthy. The dreaded cancer struck him down, and little
by little it ebbed away at his life. Slowly and painfully I watched him, cancer
concise in its life taking abilities. I wouldn't have said he was a wonderful
dad because it would have been a lie. I wouldn’t say he had always been there
for me because it would have been a lie. Would I say he was the best dad in the
world, no, but he was my dad and I loved him more than words could say. I miss him,
miss the joking and the laughing. I miss the friendship we had at the end after
such a tumultuous relationship of more downs than up’s. He was courageous, he
organised his own funeral, even down to what clothes and shoes he was going to
wear, making sure his shoes were as shiny as a pin. That gave me admiration for
a man that I had constantly battled with for a life time.
You are constantly with me dad, I hope you are at peace as I
am.
Miss you and love you. Dil x
Life is short and now as I get ready to visit his grave I
wish he was here to see my success as a writer, I know he would have been proud
and I know now that I forgive him .
Forgiveness is something that we should all carry in our
hearts because I truly think it makes us better people.
Stress Relief
As I finally sit down with a glass of nice cold Kiwi Cuvee I wonder where does it say anywhere that when you prepare and cook a large roast dinner that you also have to clear away and stack all the dishes in the dishwasher? *raises eyebrows* No where, but never the less they all get up from the table with what seems to be no guilt what so ever and I sit there and think what the... Evidently they think that it is my place to do it So a lesson to all you young mums out there, make sure you teach your children and husbands that you are not there to clean, cook and be general dogs body to all who pass through!!!
Going to the gym is my stress release and I love it. I will
spend at least three days a week and as much as five if I am really stressed.
My old bones need that extra kick up the ass to keep them from giving up
entirely. Cardio makes my lungs feel like they are going to collapse at any
given moment. My butt which seems to be gravitating south invariably gets cramp
and at the end of it my legs almost give up completely. The only thing that
stops me from caving in is my Pilates and I relax and stretch those tense
muscles until I am almost slithering into the shower at the end of it.
Another six thousand words written today, yesterday was spent researching and getting my story board up and ready for this new book. Thank goodness my board stands tall (three feet) because there is a lot of research going into this next story. The best part about putting a book together is finally putting the idea you have on to paper and watching it grow into something that for three months becomes part of your life where you eat , drink, and think nothing but scenes and paragraphs I even lie in bed going over in my mind the day's writing and I have been known to get up at 2am( quite frequently) to change a scene or add some more words to the days count.I love to write at night, there is something about working through the night, no phone, no one shouting for me to do lunch or make coffee.
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